Be Strong...

My Gram is sick.  Really sick.  In the hospital two-weeks-and-counting sick.  It began as pneumonia and has spread to a variety of other ailments.  The pneumonia seems to be responding well to antibiotics.  Unfortunately, her mind seems to be bearing the brunt of her hospital stint.

It started a week in:  mixing people up, forgetting dates, losing time...nothing that was *too* disturbing.  Gram is on the cusp of 92 so a few slips here and there weren't cause for too much alarm.  But today...today was different.  Today I walked into my Gram's room and was met with a completely blank stare.  Her blue eyes didn't light up, her hands didn't work their way out from her blankets to reach for a hug, nothing...just empty.

My Gram didn't know me.  Me.  Her favorite grandchild (Does that sound shitty to say?  It's true--so I'll say it).  The one who produced a little "princess" on which my Gram completely and utterly dotes.  The one who has sat by her bed for hours after work every day to help her eat and keep her entertained.  The one who, upon leaving the previous night, she patted and said, "Be a good girl, Karyn (which she has *always* pronounced Car-in)."

I was utterly heartbroken.

The next several hours were spent relentlessly dragging my Gram's mind back to the here and now.  Gram regaled me with stories about her bright, beautiful granddaughter (fyi: that's me) with absolutely no idea that she was talking to me...about me.  After each story, I would remind her that I, in fact, am Karyn.  Gram simply nodded her head and started unraveling another tale about something I had done or said.  At one point, she asked me if I knew me and when I might come visit.  "It's dark," she worried. "Karyn never is this late."

The hours stretched on and a nurse eventually popped her head in the doorway to remind me that visiting hours ended at 8:00 and that I had overstayed my welcome by almost an hour.  My Gram accepted a hug from me.  Accepted.  Tolerated.  No pulling me in closer.  Not a single pat on my hair.  A hug that you would give an acquaintance.  My Gram and I are huggers.  When we hug you, it's for real.  None of this half-way hug nonsense.  And, all the tears I had held back during the night began to fall.  I tried so hard to regain my composure.  After all, to my Gram, I was essentially a stranger.  But my Gram continued to hug me anyway.  Patting my back the way one would to soothe a child.  I straightened again and looked her face, a face I have looked into thousands of times before and whispered, "I am so sorry."  Gram grabbed my hand and squeezed and said, "It's okay to cry, Karyn.  All strong women cry and you are the strongest of them all."  Then she gave me a pat and sent me on my way.

It was only a moment, but I will take it.  It is what we strong women do...

<3